The Matters W/ Matt: Old Standby

As I have done in the past few weeks; I found a reason to find myself disgusted by advice columns. I laugh and cringe when it comes to old standby’s like Ask Amy and the formerly great Dear Abby. Most of these columnists are naturally inclined to give you bad advice. I think that people, especially men, get terrible advice that will steer them wrong. I don’t blame anyone that calls advice column responses tripe. I always wanted to correct their responses and help society by being an utmost asshole, (hat tip to Aaron Clarey @ Asshole Consulting).

Consider this piece from Arcamax Annie’s Mailbox, originally from Arcamax Annie’s Mailbox (May 11, 2020): (answered short and sweet by yours truly)

Dear Annie:

Many years ago, “Hazel” sat next to me in high school and apparently had a crush on me. (I had no clue.) She married someone else, and her husband passed away 20 years ago. Four years later, she met “Larry,” who is married and says he can’t divorce because of his religion. He tells Hazel he loves her and often drops by with gifts. She told him she loves him, but just as a friend. She thinks he is wonderful but says there is nothing physical between them.

My wife died a year ago. A few months later, Hazel contacted me. We hit it off right away. She lives three hours away, so we take turns visiting every two weeks. We get along very well, except when the subject of Larry comes up.

Hazel says her relationship with him is over now that I’m in the picture, but I discovered that he had stopped by again with a gift. She said she didn’t let him in the door. The other day, she slipped and called me “Larry.” She apologized, but you can imagine how that made me feel. I’m starting to believe I’m her rebound guy. I think she is crazy about Larry and if his wife should die, she’d be at his door in a heartbeat.

Is it possible for Larry and Hazel to be such good friends without something more going on? He even told her about his erectile dysfunction, but I worry that may have come from first-hand knowledge. Hazel says she loves me and has for years, but the “green-eyed monster” has taken over my heart, and I don’t know how to get rid of these jealous feelings. — Very Confused

(a):  You aren’t jealous, you are “second place” in a one horse race. She is hung up about this guy, even ignoring that he is married and lacking proficiency in the trousers. You aren’t even a rebound guy, you are a stand by until she moves on.

The good news is that you can find someone else that is attracted to you. You can spend time with someone that wants you. Work on yourself and don’t make yourself an easy target next time.


I don’t imagine that I will have a shortage of emails to answer. I would love to start doing this for anyone that sends me an email. If this is you; email us at

If you hate advice columns; I don’t blame you. If it isn’t soft people giving advice; it is someone trying to justify acting like an insensitive asshole. Till next week.


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1 Response to The Matters W/ Matt: Old Standby

  1. Pingback: FreeMatt in Review: 6-21 to 6-26 | Mogadishu Matt

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