The Matters w/ Matt: Mutually Assured Misery

Every Wednesday (or when I fail to get to it; Thursdays): I never fail to be disgusted with advice columns. I will pat myself on the back this week for being on schedule. As always, I am in awe when it comes to awful examples like Dear Prudence and Dear Abby. The columnists seem to get rewarded for giving you bad advice. I think that people, especially men, get terrible advice from them. I don’t blame anyone that calls advice column responses garbage. I use my postings to correct these responses and help society by being an utmost asshole, (as always, a hat tip to Aaron Clarey at Asshole Consulting).

Consider this piece from Ask Amy’s column (courtesy of Arcamax)from September 17, 2020:

               Dear (Matt): I have been in a long-distance relationship for a year. My boyfriend and I live in different countries.

We used to meet once a month, but since the pandemic, we have not seen one another for seven months.

We keep in constant communication through texting, video calls, and voice messages. This has helped to maintain our bond.

Unfortunately, when we have a very simple misunderstanding, he withdraws and goes silent on me for days — even for a week — where he won’t answer my calls or respond to text messages. This has happened more than 10 times over the course of the year, and it really drains me emotionally. Recently we had a pretty innocent disagreement, but he said that I have abused and disrespected him, and that he won’t stand for it. He said our relationship is fatigued and needs a breather. He then said that we need a “health break.” He never defined how long this break should be. Since then, total radio silence. He won’t respond to any of my efforts to reach him. Of course, I apologized for what I said through a voice message. Prior to this, we haven’t had any unresolved issues.

Please tell me why he behaves this way. If a man says, “we need a break,” is he ever coming back to the relationship?

— Break, or Break-up?

Dear Break: What you failed to do is note your end of this debacle. Yes, one must note his withdrawals to what seems to be a series of negative events. But a smart person must look at this from an outside lens. He is in the middle of a long-distance relationship, strained by distance and an uninvited worldwide health issue. He has seen multiple times something that was pleasurable turn painful. He feels abused and disrespected. He makes it known that this limited association is dying.

               I am using your own words to show you what is really happening. You guys are done for. I strongly doubt that this will survive. (And I secretly think that you thrive off of the drama and need attention at all costs). He even said that he needed a breather. He came back to tell you that he needed a health break. There is nothing healthy here.

               I disagree with the methods in which he told you that your relationship was done. These methods mirror words I had seen in my past, often spoken by wishy washy ex-girlfriends, never attesting to an actual end. Let me spell this out for you, using words borrowed from The Doors’ song; The End:

This is the end, beautiful end. It hurts to set you free, but you’ll never follow me. The end of laughter and soft lies. The end of nights we tried to die. This is the end.

I wish you the best in the future. Make your relationships close to the heart and close to home. Establish boundaries for a healthier set of relationships in the future.


I don’t imagine that I will have a shortage of emails to answer. I would love to start doing this for anyone that sends me an email. If this is you; email us at f

If you hate advice columns; I don’t blame you. If it isn’t soft people giving advice; it is someone trying to justify acting like an insensitive asshole. Till next week.

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4 Responses to The Matters w/ Matt: Mutually Assured Misery

  1. Someone is going to have to explain to me the value in having a girlfriend you only have sex with once every month or two…


  2. Pingback: Bard's Corner 047 - Barbarian Rhetoric

  3. Pingback: FreeMatt in Review: 9-21 to 9-25 | Mogadishu Matt

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