The Matters w/ Matt: A Cow With Two Bulls

Every Wednesday: I never fail to be disgusted with advice columns. I am unsure why they still get paid to do what they do. As always, I am in awe when it comes to awful examples like Dear Prudence and Dear Annie. The columnists seem to get rewarded for giving you bad advice. I think that people get terrible advice from them. I don’t blame anyone that calls advice column responses garbage. I use my postings to correct these responses and help society by being an utmost asshole, (as always, a hat tip to Aaron Clarey at Asshole Consulting).

Consider this Dear Abby article (courtesy of Arcamax) from July 27, 2022:

Dear (Matters):

 I have been married to my husband, “Jim,” for three years, but we have been together for seven. It hasn’t been an easy road for us. I love him, but he doesn’t give me the attention or time that I want.

We have two kids we’re raising from previous relationships. I didn’t intentionally set out to hurt him, but three years ago, I reconnected with someone from my past I’ll call “Mac.” Mac and I have been off and on since reconnecting. Now I find myself not wanting to hurt either of them, but I’m in love with both of them.

I have thought about leaving Jim several times, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I feel like I’m living a double life. Jim suspects that I’m talking to someone else but won’t come out and ask me directly. All I want is to be happy and not hurt others in the process. Please give me some advice.

         — Thoroughly Confused 

Dear Thoroughly Confused:

A cow would graze in green grass and deal with the life of a cow. Another cow would nibble around the fence line, noticing some decent patches but acknowledging the rougher areas that sprung up near the fence. That cow did not long for a fantasy, but stayed within their confines. There was another cow that fantasized about the green patches in another neighboring pasture. The fantasizing cow lusted after what sounded like lush surroundings and the coolest waters. This cow snuck through the fence because it could. The fantasizing cow found its way into ditches and roadways. The grass was not supportive. The cow still fantasized about the Shangri-la beyond the proverbial horizon. The cow may or may not have made it. The brutal truth surfaces.

The fantasizing cows in my community often get hit by unassuming drivers. Some cows find themselves in strange surroundings, trading security for excitement but the excitement presents stressors that the cow wasn’t used to. Other cows find themselves missing the healthy cows they used to chew the cud with.

I don’t want to call you a cow, but your words remind me of what can happen. I would warn you against being greedy, being metaphorically drunk with both options. I am not telling you to not be happy, but happiness may not be a possibility.

If I could give you a piece of advice, I would seek counseling. You are lacking a healthy level of contentment. It seems like you are lacking a strong building block of required mental stability for the rest of your life.

You should find out what else is missing. Is there something you see in the other man that you don’t see in your husband? Without mentioning the other man; can you describe how your husband can improve? (Or at least give him a tangible idea on what he could do differently?).

The future, to be bright, might take a change. To steer on the two courses you mentioned is to wreck. I hope the road ahead is better.


I don’t imagine that I will have a shortage of emails to answer. I would love to start doing this for anyone that sends me an email. If this is you; email us at

If you hate advice columns; I don’t blame you. If it isn’t soft people giving advice; it is someone trying to justify acting like an insensitive asshole. Till next week.


About freemattpodcast

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1 Response to The Matters w/ Matt: A Cow With Two Bulls

  1. Pingback: FreeMatt in Review: 7-25 to 7-29 (2022) | Mogadishu Matt

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