The Matters w/ Matt: Stealing Signs From Third Base

Every Wednesday: I never fail to be disgusted with advice columns. I am unsure why they still get paid to do what they do. As always, I am in awe when it comes to awful examples like Dear Prudence and Dear Abby. The columnists seem to get rewarded for giving you bad advice. I think that people get terrible advice from them. I don’t blame anyone that calls advice column responses garbage. I use my postings to correct these responses and help society by being an utmost asshole, (as always, a hat tip to Aaron Clarey at Asshole Consulting).

Consider this How To Do It article (courtesy of Slate) from September 27, 2022:

Dear (Matters):

My husband and I were both very young (21 and 22!) and both virgins on our wedding night, as we came from very religious backgrounds. We’ve been married for 18 years now, and while I love him, I find myself extremely disappointed and frustrated with our sex life. He is extremely shy and awkward when it comes to sex—STILL!—and absolutely refuses to initiate sex with me EVER, despite me repeatedly telling him how much I need that from him. He just keeps telling me he “feels weird” being the one to initiate, and he’s not willing to change just because I “need to feel needed.”

When we do have sex, he is awful at foreplay (i.e. he thinks honking my boobs a few times is sufficient), and he refuses to touch or go near my genitals with anything other than his penis (he has sensory issues and doesn’t like the feel of my wetness on his fingers). So, if I ever want to have an orgasm, it’s 100 percent up to me. At this point, it’s easier to just masturbate, since I have to take care of everything myself anyway. At the beginning of our marriage, I hoped that he would improve with time and experience, but this obviously hasn’t been the case. I’ve tried telling him, showing him, describing to him what I need, watching porn with him, incorporating toys—everything embarrasses him and he just shuts down and refuses to try anything new.

I love my husband, and I don’t want to leave the marriage—everything except the sex is great! I find myself fantasizing more and more about having an affair. I so desperately want some passion in my life! Is it ever justified to cheat on your spouse when it seems impossible for your needs to ever be met? Do I have an affair? Keep waiting and trying to change him? Resign myself to a life of disappointing sex and a passionless marriage?


                         Dear Newlyweds:

I found myself yelling at someone that seem to ignore me after years of hanging out. I often found myself wondering if he had grown deaf, forgot the English language, or became deceased from malaria. The truth was much simpler, he had learned to ignore me. I misread that situation.

Your situation seems a bit different. Your husband is breathing, seems to communicate through familiar means, and he appears to not be dying from malaria. I don’t think that he is ignoring you.

There are some things that bother me that you may not have put weight to. I understand that he grew up without exposure or experience, but he doesn’t seem to have curiosity. I am unsure if it is due to programming or something else.

He doesn’t seem to understand that a partner is a big part of a couple’s sex life. I have heard about this from other people. I would make the argument that many people are stuck in their own brains too much, forgetting that they should also enjoy their partner too. I think that your complaints might be icing on a terrible cake.

I can’t say that your cake is like other couple’s cakes, but I wanted to ask you a serious question:

Was his religious naïveté covering for anxiety or his being on “a spectrum”?

His extreme shyness, coupled with his sensory issues, seem to point in this direction. I would suggest you read further into this subject and look for more signs. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but it should help shape your views of your marriage.

This is something that he might want to dig into before it causes a further rift in his marriage. I would encourage him to go seek counseling or testing. This is inside a complex issue that a common stranger couldn’t help unpack.

I hope further communication brings happiness to you and your loins in the future.


I don’t imagine that I will have a shortage of emails to answer. I would love to start doing this for anyone that sends me an email. If this is you; email us at

If you hate advice columns; I don’t blame you. If it isn’t soft people giving advice; it is someone trying to justify acting like an insensitive asshole. Till next week.


About freemattpodcast

Lead shill for The FreeMatt Podcast
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1 Response to The Matters w/ Matt: Stealing Signs From Third Base

  1. Pingback: FreeMatt in Review: 9-26 to 9-30 (2022) | Mogadishu Matt

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