The Matters w/ Matt: Tryout Bigamists

Every Wednesday: I never fail to be disgusted with advice columns. I am unsure why they still get paid to do what they do. As always, I am in awe when it comes to awful examples like Dear Prudence and Dear Abby. The columnists seem to get rewarded for giving you bad advice. I think that people get terrible advice from them. I don’t blame anyone that calls advice column responses garbage. I use my postings to correct these responses and help society by being an utmost asshole, (as always, a hat tip to Aaron Clarey at Asshole Consulting).

Consider this Dear Abby article (courtesy of Arcamax) from November 16, 2022:

Dear (Matters):

I married for the second time two years ago to a younger woman. Seven months after our wedding, she announced she didn’t like my dominating personality, which is why she was stepping out of the marriage. She then went back to her deadbeat ex-boyfriend for six months. I went for counseling and have made a major change in how I treat, talk and make decisions with her. I love my wife with all my heart. I want to protect our marriage and move forward from the affair.

Our second anniversary is approaching, but she has been interacting with other men. She takes her daughter with another man on play-dates along with his daughter, and goes to the park with another man for three hours. (He was a single dad having a BBQ.) The third one is a guy she goes with to the park, splash pads, public swimming pool and a water-slide park. They text each other often. One guy is a married stay-at-home dad. He has cheated on his wife before.

Am I wrong to think this is unacceptable for a married woman? Any advice would be absolutely appreciated.

  — Bewildered

                         Dear Bewildered:

I once saw a half man riding a half horse. He jumped off of his half horse and half slapped me. He yelled an incoherent sentence at me. He yelled the following:

Your ____ is___ on__, you ___ dummy!!!

I never knew what to make of it. I had thought he was a phantasm, or a hallucination. But it hit me one day, he was telling me that it was my job to see when things are falling apart. It was my job to be aware of what was happening in my own life.

The half man was telling me that my woman was cheating on me. I ignored the subtle hints, to my own detriment. It was one thing that I had no boundaries and I failed to see that I was largely nothing to my partner.

Your half man might yell that your woman is really married to the benefits you bring. She is also married to your lack of boundaries. Your concept of marriage may not survive. You have let her “shop” for different husbands.

You are more than welcomed to try to save your marriage, but you might want to be realistic about what might happen. Chalk this up to a learning opportunity. Don’t bury your head in the sand and act like nothing happened. When you plant shit trees, you get shit acorns.


I don’t imagine that I will have a shortage of emails to answer. I would love to start doing this for anyone that sends me an email. If this is you; email us at

If you hate advice columns; I don’t blame you. If it isn’t soft people giving advice; it is someone trying to justify acting like an insensitive asshole. Till next week.


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2 Responses to The Matters w/ Matt: Tryout Bigamists

  1. Will S. says:

    “When you plant shit trees, you get shit acorns.”

    Think it’d be the other way around; plant shit acorns, harvest shit oaks. (Yes, everyone’s a critic, lol.) 😉

    Although shit oaks would drop shit acorns, innit? 😉


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