The Irrepressible Lieutenant Nutsucking Shitwagon

I often bemoan that there are characters in the moronic acts of our lives that seem to recycle themselves. Like a crappy supporting actor, they are reborn as something else. I wanted to talk about one of these faceless people that should be easily recognized. That “guy” is Lieutenant Nutsucking Shitwagon (LNS).

You know this guy. They are someone’s asshole. They are often celebrated by people that need someone in their professional or personal lives. Lieutenant Nutsucking Shitwagon is successful, but the intellectually smart know that he/she is a bullshit artist.

I have known a few Lieutenant Nutsucking Shitwagons in my life. One was someone I couldn’t have a beer with, which is a serious mark of distrust. He/she inspired the stupid, but the smart were sickened by them. I hoped that I could grow to be a culturally smarter man than him/her, which didn’t take much. I met another LNS that seems to inhabit non profit organizations. He seems to command his way to some air of authority, but lacks actual skills. He showed his proverbial ass and was more capable of failing people he was supposed to help.

Lieutenant Nutsucking Shitwagon always seems to have a callous way to act toward a cross section of people. (People have questioned my disdain and verbal accosting of morons, but I think that I am justified by some unspoken holy decree from The Great Magnet). LNS has little to no personality. His/her personality is not the best for whatever position he/she stabbed-sucked their way into.

This bizarre recycled NPC of a person finds their way around. Someone allows them to make their re-birth as if they were worth having as a contact. The brutal reality is that he/she is a non-malignant tumor that someone invites back into their lives. The Clap was more welcomed in Casanova’s times, at least The Clap was a sign that you might have had fun once. LNS is not one of those. LNS is a punishment for trying to do the right thing in your life. LNS is kidney failure to a sober person. (Partially feeding into my belief that a percentage of known pieces of shit have hidden blessings of success, mostly out of a cosmic set aside program that keeps us on our toes).

I want to make an abrupt end to this informative piece by telling you how you should handle any runs in with the Lieutenant Nutsucking Shitwagons in your life.

• Do your best to dip out of the situation as quickly as possible.

Humor LNS and get out of there. Be polite but upfront.

• Don’t support anyone that keeps a Nutsucking Shitwagon around.

Most organizations that keep them around won’t understand your issues with a LNS. They will use pandering language to deflect your concerns. The morally blind will sing their praises out of some sense of unintelligible fealty. Just move on to the best of your ability.

• Dare to be the dissident.

Not to contradict #2, but you should let the people in charge know that you don’t drink the proverbial Kool Aid. Let people know that LNS is a terrible face for an organization and that LNS lacks the social skills to do the job effectively. Feel free to be anonymous, especially if you of are a questionable professional background.

Keep your head up. Be the change that you want to be in this world, or at least smoke a cigar as the Lieutenant Nutsucking Shitwagons destroy the good that had been built up years ago.

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