The Matters w/ Matt: Not Exactly Jimmy Hart

Every Wednesday: I never fail to be disgusted with advice columns. I am unsure why they still get paid to do what they do. As always, I am in awe when it comes to awful examples like Dear Prudence and Dear Annie. The columnists seem to get rewarded for giving you bad advice. I think that people get terrible advice from them. I don’t blame anyone that calls advice column responses garbage. I use my postings to correct these responses and help society by being an utmost asshole, (as always, a hat tip to Aaron Clarey at Asshole Consulting).

Consider this How to Do It article (courtesy of Slate) from May 15, 2002:

Dear (Matters):

Several months ago, during a rough patch in my relationship, I finally got the nerve to tell my partner that I have always hated performing oral sex and that it hurts my jaw to do so.

That made things even worse—threats of separation came flying. I was told that they will not go forever without it, and that I needed to figure it out. Under threat of separation, I said I’d do it once a month.

Despite my partner knowing how I feel, they predictably beg for it at the beginning of every month. I’m having a hard time not getting angry and resentful that they have no problem making me feel like I have to do something I hate.

If I say no, I get the silent treatment with the occasional begging for it until I give in. Afterward, I’m pissed at them for making me feel like I have no choice and myself for doing something I know I don’t want to do. Every time they beg, I try offering sex instead, which they turn down. What do I do here?

—— Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

I do not claim to be King Solomon, but I do dare to in part wisdom. I don’t want to split babies but I do want two people to learn some delicate lessons in their lives.

You made a critical mistake. You made an agreement that you had no intention of keeping. Your word doesn’t mean as much as it should.

Your partner has used emotional blackmail and low end threats to get their way. There is not much of a healthy partner to lean to here. It might “take two to tango” but it takes one to head for the exit.

I always believe that sexual activities should be done willingly and with some sense of equal gain from them for all involved parties. One of you is not getting what they desire and one of you is trying to slip in a substitute.

You are both going to hit a wall of sorts in your relationship sooner or later.

Since I believe in torturing people into making tough decisions; I have two options for you.

(1) Let your partner find an alternative arrangement for oral sex

This is probably the most judicious solution for both of you. It can help get rid of the threats of separation. It also lets you off the hook from that activity. This frees you both up to tackle the other unhealthy things going on in your relationship.

(2) Leave.

Your partner is begging and blackmailing you into doing something. They aren’t happy. You aren’t happy. You seem pissed. You were hoping to placate them with a promise of “once a month”.  You can free them up for the tongue-jitsu they want. You can find someone that doesn’t want oral sex.

I hope that you are able to “mature” and learn from this experience; not matter the outcome or your decision. I also hope that your partner can learn to communicate better. I would also hope that they learn to walk with their feet instead of making empty threats.

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I don’t imagine that I will have a shortage of emails to answer. I would love to start doing this for anyone that sends me an email. If this is you; email us at freemattpodcast@gmail.com

If you hate advice columns; I don’t blame you. If it isn’t soft people giving advice; it is someone trying to justify acting like an insensitive asshole. Till next week.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/husband-demands-monthly-oral-advice.html

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Navy Story: On The Wrong Side of The Law

I might have mentioned the story about one of our ship’s sailors getting hauled off by the US Marshals for a gun charge, (or being related to a weapon used in a crime).

I remember those times in a awe inspiring light. I had always had thought that we had clean enough slates to start our new lives. I had a few laughable stories somewhat related to this idea.

Terrorist Bomber Resurfaces In US Navy

I ran into one of the most chill officers on our ship who was late getting back after traveling. He told me one of the most interesting stories, this is what I could remember of it. He had mentioned that he got detained at the airport after trying to check in for his flight. That officer, who I will call “Butter Blanco”, saw that the agent jumped on the phone rather quickly. Butter Blanco was standing off to the side and was visited by some members of law enforcement that escorted him off to a side room, for an interrogation.

I remind you that this was unusual for him and for most people in the know. This is a man who was selected for the US Naval Academy and had decent grades, largely steering clear of criminal activity. The LEOs identified themselves as representatives of the Secret Service, (or at least that was what Butter Blanco thought). They had asked him how often he traveled to Ireland, asked him if he was in contact with relatives in Ireland, and a myriad of questions that didn’t apply to him. It was mistaken identity. The man they were looking for was actually from Ireland and a few decades older than him. It should have been a dead giveaway that he was in uniform, with proper government orders, and a possessing a legit military ID card.

We got a good laugh at his misfortune. Someone even cracked a joke about bombings and who we could blame for it.

Sherriff’s Department or How I Learned To Move Quickly

One if the cooler people (Roadrunner) I got to work with in our ship’s galley was a rogue of sorts. I always had the feeling that he was into something but he always seemed to make it through okay. He was a cool dude that could handle his alcohol and didn’t pick fights. If you went to his house, he had a wife that was reported to be a lunatic. People could be hanging out and relaxing, just to see her pick a fight with Roadrunner. She would fly off the handle and tear her clothes off, throwing fists of fury. Roadrunner would apologize, but he seemed to smooth things over.

Roadrunner left the Navy honorably a year or so later. It was sad to see that dude leave. It wasn’t a few months later that I received two phone calls on the ship’s telephone from law enforcement. One was from the county sheriff’s department from his home area in his place of origin. They deputies were looking for more information about a crime under investigation. I remember another phone call from another police department not far from the other jurisdiction. A week later; Roadrunner, sounding hurried, called looking for another sailor still on the ship. (I didn’t mind forwarding the call or fetching the message for him). I told him about the two phone calls. He told me not to worry about it, he supposedly got it straightened out.

I imagine that he still might be out there somewhere, dodging the blue LED lights, and driving the backroads. Roadrunner, I have a beer for you when you make it around.

Who Is The Law? The One With The Best Attorney

A wayward sailor, who had grown despondent, somehow redeemed himself after a rough start. That sailor, “White Darkness”, already had a bit of a history. He had  supposedly been kicked out of the submarine  community for disappearance and drinking. White Darkness mentioned about traveling around half of the country while he disappeared and he might have spent some time in Canada. I know that he visited a dump of a strip club in my old stomping grounds, even though he wasn’t stationed down there.

White Darkness had a history of drunk and disorderly conduct. He was never caught, though. White Darkness even swam across rivers during the winter to avoid arrest. He was also adept at driving drunk, which is what got him into a pickle. WD told me that he was with his buddies behind the wheel of a car, drunk and high on some substance. He was driving through people’s yards. Funny that he got pulled over in someone’s yard. The policeman was a decent person who wanted to save their lives. The cop pulled the keys from the ignition. WD leaned over and grabbed the cop’s gun. WD short stroked the cop in the face with it, knocking him to the ground. WD knocked him out. He also called it in to the police.

When he went to court, it was more or less swept under the rug. Supposedly, it was self defense. In their state, cops weren’t supposed to get into people’s cars unless it was certain qualifying situations. WD took probation.

WD cleaned his life up. Two promotions, college degree, and largely sober now. He was a decent leader for knuckleheads.

I am sure that I am missing something, probably my taxi racing stories or motorcycle hell raising. I will write those at a later date.

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FreeMatt in Review: 5-9 to 5-13

“From Dust to Dust”. In the meantime, this is the FreeMatt in Review.

Special Edition: Mother’s Day

I changed things up for this Mother’s Day. I decided to talk about some of the worst mothers I could remember.

A Victory Over Something Day

I use a Russian holiday to celebrate a few “victories” in my life worth mentioning.

The Matters w/ Matt: More Than A Caravan

Two people celebrate their nuptials and one of them wants a plus one. Read more in this Matters w/ Matt.

The Secret To Being The Best Firefighter

Fires have been known to kill people and destroy property, but the best firefighters know how to make things “less terrible”. Learn their secret in this posting.

What is the meaning of pain? It is not what gives you meaning but it should be a reminder that you are alive.

See you next week.

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The Secret To Being The Best Firefighter

A former shipmate of mine is currently a firefighter in a community on Long Island, NY. His claim to fame is actually helping save someone’s life. The dude got to use the “jaws of life” and other kick ass tools to cut open cars. He also knows the secret to being the best firefighter.

During my piss poor foray into the firefighting world, I was able to be an effective member of the team. I don’t believe I put anyone in harm’s way. I showed up to training and got involved. I did my best to be a firefighter.

I don’t think that anyone ever taught me how to be a firefighter. Yes, I was taught how to do many of the actions. I helped put out prop fires, along with one stupid grass fire. I was blessed to have at least one recommendation from a real fire fighter. A ton of the guys with more experience seemed to have the secret to being the best firefighter. (I learned this during an evolution where I ran out of air in my Scott pack).

I also learned the secret to being the best firefighter from a family member who was a municipal firefighter. He told me the following:

The best firefighters don’t panic and run into a fire when they see it. They don’t choke themselves out in smoke. They handle their shit, then kick ass.

I had to do it on my own when my banking log smoldered and filled my house with a light amount of smoke. My house was cold, I couldn’t find “licking flames” or a source of fire. I couldn’t find tattle tales of electrical fire ignition. A level head brought me to a loose flue pipe. Less than ten minute fix and had to air the place out. (This started when I was asleep).

A dumber man would cry with his family out in the street. Morons clammer and attack firefighters when they arrive. (It happened to my relative’s unit. Solved when another firefighter clubbed someone over the head with a clipboard).

I had mentioned that the best thing someone could do when a fire is present/possible is to remain calm. Another great thing is to aid others in a prompt exit. I made an argument that proper use of a fire extinguisher will put you on a pantheon somewhere.  But one of the best is when you can calmly tell the firefighters where the action is, standing near a door and pointing where the action is.

You would be surprised how many “admin” types couldn’t handle that. They would just slump over or even bitch about the responding firefighters.

Rob from Rob Says waters down what he did in his story below. It isn’t wrong that a woman will find it attractive or respectable when a man keeps his cool, but it *underpins* my idea that a great firefighter keeps his cool.

He helped others “exit”. He maintained a cool that the collective could use. He used available tools effectively. He found the “source” of the action.

What he didn’t do was hinder others or endanger others. He didn’t bitch about firefighters or maintenance men. He didn’t flood the place with misdirected usage of tools, water.  He didn’t destroy property needlessly.

You don’t have to go to firefighting training to be an effective firefighter. You just have to know the secret to being the best firefighter.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

The Matters w/ Matt: More Than A Caravan

Every Wednesday: I never fail to be disgusted with advice columns. I am unsure why they still get paid to do what they do. As always, I am in awe when it comes to awful examples like Dear Prudence and Dear Annie. The columnists seem to get rewarded for giving you bad advice. I think that people get terrible advice from them. I don’t blame anyone that calls advice column responses garbage. I use my postings to correct these responses and help society by being an utmost asshole, (as always, a hat tip to Aaron Clarey at Asshole Consulting).

Consider this Dear Abby article (courtesy of Arcamax) from May 9, 2002:

Dear (Matters):

My fiance, “Rowan,” and I are getting married this year. It is my second marriage and his first. Rowan has a young son I’ll call “Sean” from a previous relationship. I have a good relationship with Sean, and expressed to Rowan that I’d love to include Sean on our honeymoon, so we can have a proper first family vacation. (Rowan’s custody agreement states that no unmarried parties may live together when their child is present in the home.)

Rowan was enthusiastic about it, since I’ll finally be able to have proper bonding time with Sean in a home environment overnight. But when I bring this up with anyone else, they say I am selfish for wanting to play “Mom” and include my soon-to-be stepson on a vacation that’s supposed to be for just me and my fiance.

We want to share this time with his son and have a fun family vacation. Are we doing the wrong thing? Should we leave Sean out? Why, with so many different family dynamics, is wanting to include Rowan’s son regarded as selfish?

.

—— Unselfish

——————————————-

Dear Unselfish:

A man received the shock of his life when he micturated upon an electrified cattle fence. After being stunned severely, he picked up his soiled clothes and vowed to not repeat his error.

I am kidding. This is not a situation where someone has gone to those levels, but I just like that initial jolt, I have my own questions to throw at you.

I think you are being selfish by appearing to be selfless. By wanting to include as many people as possible, you are excluding the two people most affected. Those two people that are getting ripped off the worst during their honeymoon; you and your fiancee’.

I will skip giving you the history of honeymoons. But I do have an inconvenient question: Why are you inviting other people to your honeymoon? Are you marrying other people too?

Did you miss that your fiancee’ is on his first marriage? Why not arrange for his son to be watched by someone else?

I find it strange that you would start a marriage off like this. You can be a family during a separate family vacation at another time. An amazing honeymoon only happens once and it generally only happens at the beginning of a marriage.

I wish you both well in the future.

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I don’t imagine that I will have a shortage of emails to answer. I would love to start doing this for anyone that sends me an email. If this is you; email us at freemattpodcast@gmail.com

If you hate advice columns; I don’t blame you. If it isn’t soft people giving advice; it is someone trying to justify acting like an insensitive asshole. Till next week.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2672068

Posted in Advice | Tagged | 2 Comments

A Victory Over Something Day

The Russians may have missed their desired benchmark in Ukraine when they weren’t able to declare victory on their Victory Day this year. (Their Victory Day being the original celebration of the Soviet Union’s victory in 1946).

I will have to admit that I have missed a few of my own marks, missing declaring victory over a few struggles or created conflicts in my life. I had a few examples in failing at stopping the assholes among us, never completely crushing the wave of darkness that rolls in, or the urge to get intoxicated then flail my day away.

But on this Victory Day; I celebrate a few somethings that I was victorious over/in.

(a) I was able to survive the Petri dish of madness called the US Navy long enough to get an honorable discharge. I did not completely lose sight of who I was , but I feel that my true victory is that it didn’t completely destroy me. That destruction would have let the troglodytes among me when and most likely laugh on the proverbial wrong side of town.

(b) I was able to destroy the rhetoric of naysayers. I was able to finish college. It was outside of the boundaries of normalcy in most people’s eyes.

(c) I can do pullups. Although this is a poor bellwether for a person’s worth, I felt like it was a victory of sorts. I hated the Presidential Fitness Challenge (or what ever it was called) that was foisted on public school kids. It wasn’t a practical way to inspire athleticism and it was a waste of taxpayer money. It took me a few months of shoulder rehab and additional exercises to condition my upper body to pull it off, as an adult.

(d)  The Slavenly Consumer to Debt to Slavery cycle at my former place of employment.

I had coworkers that would work there for thirty years because they bought high ticket items, which they could seldom use. This was because they worked at a job with tons of overtime and high pay rate. Minus a few people, they didn’t have the foresight to invest or get a war fund together so they could quit. (Instead of beating themselves up and shortening their life spans).

(e) I’m not a complete “pork beast”.

I do not feel stimulated by over eating and drinking like I used to. I have been able to push myself away from it. I can call myself up to substitute behaviors for others less destructive. (I drink water when hungry or do physical activities when pushed into a wave of boredom).

I am sure that I missed something but I also encourage you to celebrate something that you have declared victory over.

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Special Edition: Mother’s Day

It is one thing to celebrate Mother’s Day in thanking the woman who got you on the planet. It is another to celebrate the decent mom’s of friends who did you the “solids” in life. But today, I celebrate the shitty ones.

I don’t think every woman should have kids. I have met a few that were down right unnerving and undeserving of my affection.

My ex girlfriend’s mom was one of these. She would do some real backroom stuff to wreck your life, then turn people against you. She would smile and be polite to your face, then say awful things about you. This mom has helped wreck a few marriages in her family too.

I had a run in with one of these classy women at a park when I was a kid. I was being adventurous, hanging out near a storm drainage area with other kids. They were relatively nice to a kid from out of the area. I had heard this hoarse yelling from a distance, it was the mom of one of the kids. I was lucky to duck this woman, she never saw my mom or where I went. She busted that kid up side his head like we were in a Martin Lawrence film. Not sure why.

I had a teacher who was the mom of a cool ass dude I knew in school. His mom was extremely lukewarm to me. I noticed that she would shuttle him away from most of us (adjacent friends). I had always thought that she tried to turn her husband against us. I got bulldog vibes. Irony is that I ran into her years after I left town and she was still like that. Her son ended up in rehab and AA. (Dude is still cool).

I have had a few moms call the cops on me for some bush league crap, which the cops actually debunked. As always, I had run ins and weird responses from others, including people I was actually close to. Nothing like a mother who dislikes another mom’s kids.

I have had a few good extra moms in my life. I jokingly have mentioned that I have loved a few mothers in my life. But I think that we forget the crappy ones in our lives.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

The FreeMatt in Review: 5-2 to 5-6 (2022)

Shooting songbirds create deafening silence. In the meantime, this is the FreeMatt in Review.

My Heart of Darkness Watches The World Burn

The fight with no visible end may be on the horizon. It started with a pissed off Haitian.

The Matters w/ Matt: Sotally Tober

A man does a kind action and is punished for his crimes. Read more in this Matters w/ Matt.

Daring To Be Better Within The Realm of Decorum

We don’t have to be the biggest assholes in the room, we could be better than the biggest assholes in the room.

Spent my time in the sun and the temperature forgave me. See you next week.

Posted in FreeMatt In Review | Leave a comment

My Heart of Darkness Watches The World Burn

On this day in history, in the weird year of our lord 1794, a man threw a decent amount of caution to the wind.

Toussaint Louverture, the OG Haitian Sensation, revolted against French rule in Haiti).

There was a certain comfort in the human heart of having your basic needs met by a malevolent ruler. As long as you produce at a bare minimum, you will have some semblance of support. You may be beat but you will “always” get something out of it.

I found this arrangement to be stupid. I felt that way when I was in the service. I feel that way now. I think that established conservative culture types want me to be happy with a beating. The leftist culture types want to beat you for others sins and beat you for yours that you haven’t done yet, but then want you to be happy to get beat.

A part of me (my heart of darkness) wants to watch the world burn. It would make sense to turn away from the easy made comfort just to watch the chaos.

I don’t think that those that did their damndest to do the right thing will be punished when it does. It will be a nice timeout.

Just like the OG Haitian Sensation, I can throw away guaranteed “anything” for an opportunity to watch the sh*tbirds’ world burn.

CLR James in his work The Black Jacobins showed me that a revolt may not show fruition in a lifetime but was worth the thrill of watching it in action.

Posted in wisdom | 1 Comment

The Matters w/ Matt: Sotally Tober

Every Wednesday: I never fail to be disgusted with advice columns. I am unsure why they still get paid to do what they do. As always, I am in awe when it comes to awful examples like Dear Prudence and Dear Abby. The columnists seem to get rewarded for giving you bad advice. I think that people get terrible advice from them. I don’t blame anyone that calls advice column responses garbage. I use my postings to correct these responses and help society by being an utmost asshole, (as always, a hat tip to Aaron Clarey at Asshole Consulting).

Consider this TIFU post from  Reddit:

Dear (Matters):

I (29M) work in digital marketing. Company held party to celebrate the completion of big project. As I was walking to my car, I noticed a drunk female coworker (mid 30s). We worked together for 3 years, but it’s a big department and I don’t know much about her.

She was having difficulty walking. I offered to help and she held out her hand. I asked if she drove here. She took an Uber. Helped her call another one as she vomited. Uber driver arrived, saw the condition she was in, and took off without saying a word. Understandable.

I decided to drive her home. I have a duel front and rear dashcam setup. I moved the rear camera, placed it in front, and adjusted angle to make sure inside of vehicle is covered (lifesaver).

Fast forward one month to April 25 (last week) and I was called into HR. My manager was sitting with a serious expression. They asked what I did after the party. I immediately became defensive and asked what the meeting is about.

HR person said that they received a complaint from an employee accusing me of inappropriate behavior. I responded, “I have no idea what you are talking about. I did nothing inappropriate during or after that party. Whoever complained has the wrong guy!”

They stepped out into the hallway for a couple minutes. I’m starting to sweat even though I did nothing wrong. Thinking, I remember giving coworker a ride home. That must be it. They step back into the office, manager says they have a witness who saw me put drunk coworker into my car.

I said, “Yea, I drove her home. Nothing happened…and I did not ‘put’ her in. She accepted the help.” Silence. They stare at me like I’m guilty. Nothing but suspicion and judgement. HR says they’ll continue investigating and will speak to me the following week.

I received an email today, telling me to make a statement for the police and that I’m suspended until the case is dismissed. I’m pissed. Really pissed.

I hired an attorney and submitted statement to police. After asking around, I learned the coworker I gave a ride to is apparently the ex-wife of my manager’s golfing buddy. Yea.

Little does the company know I protected myself with dashcam footage as well as a short cell phone video of me walking her to the house. I am innocent and will fight this.

Dear HIY:

You followed a code that I know well. You did a noble thing and cared for a drunk. Fellow drunks salute you for such a nice gesture. But reality sits nearby.

People seeking attention or a desire to victim signal looked past your good intentions. They saw an easy mark and went for your jugular. But there are silver linings to a nasty cloud.

Unless you have some real benefit to helping someone like that, especially a co-worker of the opposite sex; don’t. The person can take care of themselves. They made the decisions to get drunk and ultimately they can find a way to safely get to their proper destination.

You also learned that human resources works for the company and not you. The company may also have certain policies or approaches that may not consider you to be face of the company. I would politely tell you to find another line of work and start your journey to working for yourself.

Keep abreast of all legal developments. A smart man once told me to “document, document, document”. Please keep your talks with fellow co-workers to a minimum and if possible; keep a legal representative at all official meetings. I would also suggest recording meetings and discussions if legally possible.

Keep pressing and I hope you make it through to the other side.

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I don’t imagine that I will have a shortage of emails to answer. I would love to start doing this for anyone that sends me an email. If this is you; email us at freemattpodcast@gmail.com

If you hate advice columns; I don’t blame you. If it isn’t soft people giving advice; it is someone trying to justify acting like an insensitive asshole. Till next week. https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ugikep/tifu_by_helping_drunk_coworker_and_trusting_hr/

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