Every Wednesday: I never fail to be disgusted with advice columns. I am unsure why they still get paid to do what they do. As always, I am in awe when it comes to awful examples like Dear Prudence and Ask Amy. The columnists seem to get rewarded for giving you bad advice. I think that people get terrible advice from them. I don’t blame anyone that calls advice column responses garbage. I use my postings to correct these responses and help society by being an utmost asshole, (as always, a hat tip to Aaron Clarey at Asshole Consulting).
Consider this Dear Abby article (courtesy of Arcamax) from May 24, 2022:
I am a 57-year-old male. I have no children, and I was forced to move back in with my mother to start my life over again. I divorced my wife because she was cheating.
I have a cousin from Alabama who is 30. I love her dearly. She’s my favorite cousin, and I have begun having feelings for her. I think it may be my body’s way of telling me it wants to procreate and leave a legacy. I feel guilty about these thoughts and feelings. In my heart, I believe they are shameful. These thoughts are something I must take to my grave and never act upon. But the urge is growing stronger and it’s becoming a losing battle.
Telling her (or anyone else in my family) my true feelings would be a terrible thing for me to do. Can you please help me rid myself of these feelings for her? I will take any advice into consideration.
Jeff Foxworthy, creator of You Might Be A Redneck, had a way of skewering people from the southeastern United States. I once took offense being grouped in with such ridiculous creatures. I had always thought we were beyond these jokes.
I will level with you, you are being one of those ridiculous creatures. We have been bestowed, especially by fancy programs like TVA, technologies that have changed how we live. We have phone lines, cell phones, and a myriad of computer programs that help us communicate with other people. I would even like to mention that we have had a large expansion of interstate highways that have overshadowed the logging roads that we traveled in the past. Now for the kicker:
If you combine all of these factors, there is no reason why you need to find romance with someone of the consanguinity that a first cousin brings to this earth.
I am not a moron. I know beauty where beauty lies. I have beautiful relatives amongst those that don’t have the hugest blessings.
But I know that I should find love outside of my family. We are not wondering the desert where we are only exposed to grains of sand and camels. We have nearly hundreds of thousands of women to choose from and join together to make lives with. Why not pick one you aren’t “that related to”?
Make our home state proud. Keep it out of the family. Show yourself some dignity. Move On.
I don’t imagine that I will have a shortage of emails to answer. I would love to start doing this for anyone that sends me an email. If this is you; email us at firstname.lastname@example.org If you hate advice columns; I don’t blame you. If it isn’t soft people giving advice; it is someone trying to justify acting like an insensitive asshole. Till next week.